64 Excuses

1. It was the enchiladas.
2. I’m rehearsing for a play.
3. I’m rehearsing for an avant-garde play.
4. I’m rehearsing for an avant-garde play that features brief nudity.
5. I may be Australian.
6. It’s a sort of sexual stigmata.
7. No, I own several identical pairs. And the smell is coming from elsewhere.
8. Sorry, I’m allergic to the metal in wedding rings.
9. In my country that sign means ‘men’s room’.
10. In my country, there are no such mores.
11. Poor night vision officer.
12. A dog took it, yes, there was definitely a dog.
13. Cyborgs!
14. It’s a sort of Buddhist thing.
15. Are you familiar with the condition known as sleep-dredging?
16. Still going through the grieving process. I’m at stage 9: inaction.
17. Have you read that book Holy Blood, Holy Grail? It was a bit like that.
18. Listen, I don’t think that haircut does you any favours.
19. Wow that was crazy. Just like in the story. What? You didn’t see the bears?
20. Oh, I read the message sarcastically.
21. There was a flood. It got everything, your underwear, everything.
22. I am a maverick Professor and this is a complicated series of experiments.
23. The S stands for sexual? I thought it was a sensationally transmitted disease.
24. Glandular.
25. They’re too far away now.
26. Oh he isn’t a jockey? Where are my manners?
27. It doesn’t go that way. Nothing goes that way.
28. No thank you, I believe that particular practice steals your soul.
29. I really don’t think it will take our weight.
30. No batteries, damn.
31. Sorry about all that, they think I’m probably borderline bi-polar.
32. It says school? I thought it said ‘scuba’.
33. I saw David Bowie and decided to follow him.
34. I had that thing where your eyes seal shut.
35. A foreign form of chapstick temporarily blinded me.
36. Crap, did I miss it? That pesky leap year.
37. Sorry, I think I deleted it. I must have read ‘Birthday Plans’ as ‘Penis Enlargement’.
38. It’s a kind of jury duty that I’m not allowed to talk about.
39. Darren Aronofsky asked me to play the part of ‘Chet’ in his remake of Expresso Bongo.
40. It’s just coming.
41. There’s reason to believe I am the second coming.
42. May I be re-seated? I don’t trust this man’s breathing.
43. I can’t let it go, it once belonged to Cher.
44. All the proceeds are going to a home for injured horses.
45. Don’t worry, it will all be obvious when this thing is over.
46. Oh yes, that was my coma year.
47. Are you sure you’re not having a mirage?
48. A power surge may have put that stuff on my phone.
49. Quiznos?
50. You say negligence. I say a breezy outlook on life.
51. I didn’t expect that analogy to be so porny.
52. Define ‘gay’.
53. Oh that, that’s just caused by over-zealous ironing.
54. They decided to end it early – a leak from an unspecified gas I believe.
55. Sorry, these are new contact lenses. Yes they are thin aren’t they?
56. Shabba Ranks was on the concourse.
57. I’m not allowed near children. Not since that whole mascarpone thing.
58. I was inspired by a scene from Dragonslayer.
59. It was a ploy to raise awareness for that particular, unspecified thing.
60. That sometimes happens when I don’t eat.
61. It was a joke.
62. It was a lie.
63. It was a bet.
64. Oops…erm…happy anniversary!