Fake bowling

More toilet trouble for you. Not really trouble, but a ludicrous situation.

I despise all personal interaction at work. I realised the most annoying thing to hear between colleagues when you arrive at work is the phrase 'How late did you stay?' This conjures up a high-ranking circle of hell to me, I see these fuckers all day long, I'm then expected to spend my evening and weekends with them? Chatting about the new org chart and the chilli we had on Thursday? I'd rather rub excrement into my hair.

Leaving cards, birthday cards - all bollocks. I was about to apply for a job recently, when I began to read about the company. It stated, 'Every time its your birthday someone will bake you a cake and then we all stand around your desk and sing happy birthday to you and then you'll have to make a speech' And they want people to work there? How dickless is that?

This lack of interaction tends to spill over into the 'me' time in the office. Notably the toilet. So this morning, I entered the smallest room to see a particularly chatty colleague standing there. I decided I couldn't face standing next to the urinal with him, so made a vague noise of greeting and then headed to the cubicle. But then I thought he would obviously be able to tell if I was just pissing in there, so I attempted to aim my piss stream away from the water, to avoid splashing. Then I'd release a short burst of urine directly into the bowl, in an approximation of a turd hitting the water. In this way, my colleague would be cleverly fooled into thinking I was using the cubicle for the purpose it was designed for. I was even tempted to engage him when I left - 'You see, I really was shitting in there. Not just pissing and avoiding you'

But he was long gone when I emerged. My victory was unnoticed. I really, really need a holiday.